This month has been.... interesting. Frequent fluctuations between 50 degree rain storms and well below freezing means that just about everything is breaking. On top of fixing broken things, every chore just takes longer in the cold. Our current temperatures are in the teens, and when it gets this cold any tiny drop of water … Continue reading Go Home, January. You Are Drunk
On Friday I went to my local feed store to find out which mills produced what so I could get a new feed that was not produced in the same mill as the TC feed. It was an illuminating conversation, to say the least. Autocorrect kept trying to make “illuminating” into “Illuminati”. I hadn't bothered … Continue reading Food Woes Update
If you own horses, you likely know how infuriatingly difficult it can be to find the right feed. I'm feeding 4 horses with wildly different needs. Newboy is prone to ulcers and becomes food aggressive when his stomach hurts. Jack is huge and a hard keeper. Beau is 28 and has all the digestive issues … Continue reading Food Woes
I'm going to have to start coming up with more clever titles for these. The week started with cleaning things, as it usually does. In this case, I was cleaning water tubs. Usually Jack, my massive(-ly in the way) Thoroughbred "helps" with tub cleaning, but he was off annoying the other horses and I was … Continue reading This Week In Pictures
I missed last Wednesday, because we drove down to the Florida Keys for a week. It was lovely, but when you own a farm leaving for a week is a logistical nightmare. I hire a really good farm sitter, but I never expect anyone to come in and be able to care for the place … Continue reading First Wednesday Of The New Year
I was sick most of the last week: double ear infection, sinus infection and bronchitis. Because I take immune suppressant drugs to keep my Crohn's disease under control, when I get sick I go all out. In short, it wasn't a very productive week. My symptoms have mostly subsided, thanks to a round of prednisone, … Continue reading Wednesday Photo Dump:
In yet another attempt to resuscitate my blog, I'm going to try to consistently share things on Wordless Wednesday. I take tons of pictures every day, usually with the intention of writing something witty and entertaining to go with them, and then I never write anything and the pictures never get posted. So, from now … Continue reading WW, But With Words
Since my last post, I've been a lot more motivated to get things done, but it's still an uphill battle. One of the downsides of owning your own farm is that the chores never end, and that doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for the fun things.
I've recently been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. You'd never know it if you interact with me. I'm energetic, funny, and social, and I'm always the life of the party. But, if I don't have to socialize, I won't. When left to my own devices, I won't do anything at all. I have to force myself to interact with others. I have to force myself to take care of my farm and tend my garden. I have to force myself to ride and train the horses. I have to force myself to write. I don't enjoy any of it the way I used to, and I'm exhausted all the time from forcing myself to do these things that once gave me energy, these things I used to love. When I first stopped enjoying things, I figured I'd just apply "fake it 'til you make it" logic. I thought that if I just kept going through the motions for a few weeks, it would come back to me. And then weeks turned into years and it never came back. I realized I was miserable all the time and I needed to do something more because "faking it" wasn't working, so I went to a doctor. Now I have a diagnosis and a treatment plan, but that's not the end. I'm not even sure if it's the beginning. I don't know what it is, really, since I've never done this before. At least it isn't "faking it". I'm not writing this looking for sympathy or accolades. I'm writing it because so often I see people say, "So and So was happy and had so much, how could they have been depressed?" I'm writing this because depression can look happy and successful. Depression can look like you have it all together and are enjoying life. Depression is a black hole on the inside. It's a lack of energy. It's a lack of motivation and interest in the world. It's a pervasive, overwhelming exhaustion from constantly forcing yourself through the motions of life, and I can absolutely understand how that can drive a person to give up on their life. It's the "faking it" that really gets to you, and so the people who seem like they're on top of the world are often the ones struggling the most. Keeping up that facade is mentally and physically exhausting and overwhelming. If you know what that feels like and haven't gotten help yet, go see a doctor. It's easier than you think. I had convinced myself that it would be difficult and frustrating to get help, but it just took a quick google search, "psychiatrists near me", and a couple phone calls later I had my first appointment. You can do it, and you're not alone.
March is continuing to be the angry drunk of NJ months, which is no surprise to me. I've lived here for 20 years, and March is always just completely awful.
A Work In Progress.... 